My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
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It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
washing machines need a ‘good luck’ setting for the things you’re not sure are machine washable but you’re about to find out
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
A timely reminder before St. Patrick’s Day. #PaddynotPatty
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”