Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.
It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.
(No offense, Andrea.)
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Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
New menu item
A moth flies into your face out of nowhere. You could ask him why he does that, but what would you do with the information?
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
To the skeptics who don’t believe in precognition, please explain how I’m able to identify and choose the slowest line in the supermarket and gas station EVERY SINGLE TIME
(yawn)
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…