*adds another woman to the stick figure family decals on this car window*
And now we wait.
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If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
I just bought a dozen donuts if anyone’s looking for a sugar mama.
“I don’t need much” is teenager for “I may need you to take out a second mortgage to pay for all of my back to school stuff.”
thanks for leaving the volume on an odd number all night now I have to sage the house three times to even it all out
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
I would’ve been terrible in 50 Shades because the second a guy said “I don’t do romance” I would laugh and be like NOBODY SAYS THAT BYE
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
Whenever my “advanced placement” tween gets too brain cocky I like to remind her that I’ve had to pull a jellybean out of her nostril not once, not twice, but 3 times
I don’t want to brag about how cultured I am, but I’ve visited the outside of many historical buildings that charge an entrance fee
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Hello drunk cooking, my old friend.
It’s nice to hear the smoke alarm again.
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?
I threw up in a porta potty at a Winger concert back in 88′ …. We did not have the internet back then so I’m telling you now.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.