[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That鈥檚 the last time I go to a search party.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
No one:
My kid: Mumma, you don鈥檛 have to worry about what happened in the kitchen.
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you鈥rankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It鈥檚 15 years younger than me.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people鈥檚 grandparents
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Check out the free section of Craiglist and treat yourself to a little something special.
I almost crashed into the semi in front of me while I was looking at a hot construction worker. That would’ve been an embarrassing obituary.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
Biden: Showed Trump our terror briefings about Equestria.
Obama: Equestria? Isn’t that My Little Pony?
Biden: 馃槈
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
my family doesn鈥檛 like that i鈥檓 in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
Alarm clocks would be much more effective if instead of a snooze button they just released bees.
won’t smith
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it鈥檚 literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it鈥檚 perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Me, a cop: you鈥檙e gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
In honor of the longest night of the year I will also be cold, distant &filled with darkness.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
My kid asked me for a boomerang so I handed him the apple that has gone back and forth in his lunch for the past week