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Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
doctor: I’m going to take out your appendix
me: oh okay *shouts at my belly* YOU HAVE A SUITOR
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I’m not religious until you need help moving on a Sunday.
Only Christopher Walken can get away with saying stuff like you wanted to chance at the dance but you forgot your pants.
The single greatest thing I’ve done as a parent is convince my kids that Twix are gross and that they should give them all to me.
Happy Halloween!
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
are there any atheist mantises?
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.