I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
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My wife really is the sunshine of my life.
Too bad I’m a vampire.
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
is this a warning or an offer?
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
Who did it better?
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Inside the heads of four JCrew models.
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
Turns out my superpower is the ability to go into incredible detail in completely the wrong direction.
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Movie Studio Chief: We’ve made “Batman.” We’ve made “The Batman.” What’s next?
Me: “The The Batman”?
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
waiter: wine?
date: I don’t drink
waiter: water?
me: she said she doesn’t drink pal
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
that wasn’t the question