you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
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Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
The grass in my backyard is growing flowers which means I am either really good or really bad at taking care of my yard.
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Walked out of the hospital with my newborn daughter on Friday to go home. Got outside, she took one look around, smirked and rolled her eyes. I couldn’t help but think… “she’s already smarter than me.”
NOT EVERYONE WAS KUNG FU FIGHTING, MOM. SOME OF US WERE TRYING TO BREAK IT UP.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
Friend: Our backstories shape us, but don’t define us
Me: Like Spanx
Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.