If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
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Last week I had a dream and the only thing I remembered about the dream was a poster on a wall so I made the poster and put it on a wall and it was the fastest I have ever made a dream come true and it felt exhilarating like I had solved a mystery.
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Oceanography is all about current events
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
Have a lovely day 😊
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.