People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
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TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
King Charles should make Sir Elton and Sir Paul joust.
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
A bold strategy
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
*peeing in the urinal at McDonalds*
*turns to the guy peeing in the other urinal*
“So, what did you order?”
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
[first day birdwatching]
is that a penguin? *moments later* is that a penguin?
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.