If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
#FF @funTweeters because they pick bloody good tweets to RT!
i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?
Seems like it would be really tough being a girl named Molly at a rave.
Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like
Things I constantly worry about pressing:
1. “Like” while ex stalking
2. Send all drafts
3. A baby’s soft spotYes, this list is in order.
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
At times like this, I ask myself “what would Jesus do?” and then I hide in a cave for three days
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
[Jack Ryan]
CIA BOSS: who are you
JACK: (trying to be cool) ryan. jack ryan
BOSS: nice to meet you ryan
JACK: no it’s
BOSS: everyone this is ryan
EVERYONE: hi ryan
RYAN: hi
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
[on first date]
Yes I’ll have the-
*whispers to waiter*
I don’t speak French
*points at menu*
“The French toast, sir?”
Yeah. 6 of those.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.