The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
You Might Also Like
Pardon the mess, the dog startled me and I threw my shrimp scampi into the ceiling fan
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
If I were going to the Met Gala, I would do one of those costumes where it looks like someone’s carrying you.
Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Sick of people calling me “The Jigsaw Killer.” Sure, I kill people. I also like jigsaw puzzles. But those two things don’t define me
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
In your 20’s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40’s you hope you don’t fall in the yard when nobody’s home.
“If your father asks you to pick up 5 large bags of ice, the best place to put them is in the backyard in direct sun”
~My son apparently
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
If I ever meet Morgan Freeman:
Wanna just come back to my place and sit at the end of my bed and tell me a bedtime story?
Please. nobody has to know.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Commonly confused phrases:
In the same boat = We’re going through this together
On the same page = We understand each other
In the same trunk = We’re getting kidnapped OMG
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do