best review i’ve ever seen
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horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Since Julius Caesar’s assassination was a group project there were definitely some guys who did just enough stabbing to get a passing grade.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
[LUNCH INTERVIEW]
“Our office attire is formal, is that ok?”
*I adjust my tie and the little tie on my corndog*
Sure.
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
Terribly Tuesday.
North Korea shows that you don’t need religion to be crazy.
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
I saw God in a dream and all he did was brag about making Pedro Pascal
#growingpains
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch