Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.
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I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My mind is always on fast forward while my body’s in slow motion. I’m just like that channel where the sound is out-of-sync w/ the picture.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
FRIEND WHO JUST RECEIVED MAGICAL POWERS: idk what I should do first
FRIEND WHO IS TRAPPED IN AN OIL PAINTING FOR SOME REASON: I have an idea
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it’s going to be on my own Accord.
Before our first date, I texted him: Look for a tall, young, leggy brunette. I’ll be the short middle-aged blonde next to HER.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
[holds out handful of sliced cheese]
pick a card
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[creating the Octopus]
Angel: How about a spider in a wetsuit?
God: Weird but I like it. Make it edible.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Good Morning.
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.