”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
You Might Also Like
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
What kind of doctor fixes broken websites? A URLogist.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
When a waiter sees my disability and asks the person I’m with what I want to eat, I respond “Our telepathy is a bit off. You should ask me.”
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
Beware of the dog..
I had to Stop for this
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
I think the Monday after Sunday should always be a day off.
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
The best coffee is outside my house but the best no bra is inside my house so you see my dilemma
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Everyone is scared I am going to take their mans, ma’am I got one at home who doesn’t even like me, I do not have special powers
What personal space?
My dog