Dating tip for ladies: some guys will be scared off if you don’t wait until the third date before asking him to murder your husband.
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Him: When I suggested we try a little role play, this is not what I had in mind
Me: [in Jabba the Hutt costume] JUST PUT ON THE GOLD BIKINI
50 years ago: one day computers will make all our lives easier & fun
50 years later on a computer on the internet: TEN SIGNS THAT YOU MAY BE DYING OF A VERY DEADLY DISEASE BUT HERE’S SOME ADS FIRST
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you
HER: It’s a gender reveal party.
ME: To tell the sex of the baby.
HER: You have to stop calling it a sex party.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
You can make up any word you want in conversation and if you use it in a dilsationary way, people rarely question the meaning.
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
I’ve started slipping an occasional “meow” into everyday conversations with people to see if they’re really listening meow to me.