If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
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Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
PSA:
Drunks will undercook grilled chicken every single time.
Friends don’t let friends get drunk and grill chicken.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
ME: I just crossed into Arizona from California & was on standard time for 15 hrs but you don’t move the clocks here so I lost an hour gained it back & will lose it again when I leave tomorrow.
AZ STATE TROOPER: You were doing 85 in a 70.
ME: That won’t happen until yesterday.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
Are you alone? Afraid? Lonely? Then you’d better turn up the TV because I just heard a noise
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
It’s only natural to want to let your children learn from their own mistakes and work their way out of difficult situations, but after being under a stool for several minutes I picked my Roomba, Alice, up and relocated her because I couldn’t handle that banging another second.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.
Washing instructions: Hand wash only.
Me: We’ll see about that.
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.