After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
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I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Welcome to your 40s. The only shoes you can tolerate are running, but you won’t be doing any of that anymore.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
I bought the off-brand toilet cleaner. I don’t think my toilets can taste the difference.
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
me: i want to save this document
computer: great, just click save
me: ok i want to save it as something else
computer: easy, save as
me: amazing! i’m gonna save it as a pdf
computer: print
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
I used to be in baton twirling when I was younger I was terrible at it but I don’t care it stays on my resumé nonetheless
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
My location is on so my wife can see that I am where I say I am.
My wife’s location is on so I can hide the drinking glass and start cleaning while she’s on her way home from work.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”