My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
You Might Also Like
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
BANK TELLER: you’re an awful robber
ME: i’m not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
told my dad about a rough patch i went through mentally and he asked in a concerned voice whether i’d still managed to take my car in for routine maintenance
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Liquor Store Parking
everyone has that one prude friend
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
Once I meet a hot chick I automatically give her money. So if she says I’m stalking her I can tell the cops she’s a hooker.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
People are posting throwback photos to their first days of school, and I’m like “I was a third child. My parents only have about 10 photos from my entire childhood, maybe 11 tops.”
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
I found the felon who is responsible for your lost socks. Already convicted of other crimes. It’s the fitted sheet. You’re welcome
2005: We want cell phones to be so tiny
2015: We want cell phones the size of the big rib from the Flintstones intro that tips the car over
I lost my virginity once, I know I can do it again.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
*comes outside months after coronavirus is done*
FRIEND: You didn’t have to quarantine that long.
ME: There’s been quarantines?
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore