Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
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friend: I love your cookies
me: it’s a secret family recipe
friend: wow
me: please don’t tell my husband about my secret family
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Missionary so I can look him in the eyes and ask him why Ashley from work is texting him with heart eyes.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
I am not that kind of woman…I”m much worse.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
it’s amazing when it’s ur birthday 🙂 u really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
My yearbook quote is the only thing I am proud of