Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
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I’m not asking for a lot, I just want someone down to earth that’s gonna touch me all over like my shower curtain does
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
SPIN INSTRUCTOR: you can do this, you just have to want it
ME, NOT EATING ICE CREAM SANDWICHES IN BED: neat. what’s another way?
Current status: I just turned on the garbage disposal so the cats wouldn’t hear me getting the cheese out of the fridge.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
I used humor as a defense mechanism.
Also bear traps.
You can’t be too careful.
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Relations at the bird feeder have been strained since the experimental millet blend.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom