[backstage at a concert] hey guys you mind signing this?
[next day at car dealership] rascal flatts is your cosigner?
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If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Me as a kid: when I’m an adult I’m gonna stay up all night and eat whatever I want
Me as an adult: If I don’t finish this glass of water and get to bed by 9 I will die
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
8-year-old: Are you making pizza for dinner?
Me: No.
8: Can you check again?
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
That guy who ran through the White House could go to prison for ten years, so there’s another reason I don’t run.
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
How to keep the seat next to you empty.