Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
You Might Also Like
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
You can let me hold your baby I won’t drop it. If you think I’m the kind of person who would drop a baby you’re flat wrong. And if you’re the sort of person who believes unsubstantiated rumors about me dropping babies, well I just feel sorry for you.
10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*
Me: *slicking back my ponytail* can you photoshop a saxophone in later?
Mugshot photographer: No
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
I don’t believe Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back. He wouldn’t get any balance laying on his shell.
Son won’t eat sandwich I made him but will lick dog bowl
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.
And I think I’m winning.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.