7 asks me every morning if i have to work and we do that 7 days a week no matter how much i explain to him. his excuse is “i’m just a 7 yo enjoying summer. i don’t know what day it is”.
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You’re like that person playing Pictionary who draws something terribly and just keeps circling it.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
16: They asked me for my email.
12: Email? That’s like something only moms use!
16: Ewww, I know!
*how my kids take a dig at me without even trying to take a dig at me
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
4: can I have a snack?
Me: it’s almost time for dinner.
4: if it’s not dinner time, it’s snack time.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
I would be so good at soccer not due to athleticism but due to my keen intellect and my ability to think outside the box. Everyone would be like “Wow he’s using his hands. Nobody has ever thought to do that before”