When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
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If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
need a new bf mines broken 😐
honestly, i need both:
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
DAD: i’m sorry but your mother and i would like you to stay away for awhile
ME: i understand. who knows what could happen with this virus
DAD: what virus
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Now tell me how old your baby is in HOURS.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
If methane killed off the dinosaurs just imagine what I can do in an elevator.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.