When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
DR.: you’re going to feel a little bit of pressure. Ready?
ME: yes
DR.: your sister is younger but already has a career path & owns her home
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
I told him I’d send him nudes everyday he was sick, but we are on day 17 now… how long does the flu normally last?
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I don’t use gps. I’m tagged like a pet cat so when I get lost someone just returns me
Become a minion. Get that bread.
Eating nothing but beer for a month call that oktoberfast.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.