*when toddlers meet*
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: …
Toddler 2: …
Toddler 1: Hi
Toddler 2: Hi
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“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Do I have a charge on my credit card bill for something called WIENERLICIOUS? Yes.
Is it a hot dog restaurant? Also yes.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
and this one
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
If you can’t say something nice, say something mortifying and kinky.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Honey, I made the news! Apparently that old lady I fought at the library wasn’t a ghost
The beatles purposefully wrote catchy songs to generate interest in their band
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”