All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
You Might Also Like
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Basically.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
Me: My therapist says I use sex for validation.
Parking garage attendant: Not here you don’t, pal.
Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.
Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?
Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.
“OOOOH I haven’t taken THIS color before” I exclaim as I get new meds
Apparently, you can only say “Look at you! You got so big!” to kids.
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
Who knew?
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
“just sayin” who asked you though?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.