Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
You Might Also Like
Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
*After a dental appointment*
4: Daddy the scientist cleaned my teeth and I don’t have to brush my teeth anymore!
It’s a plant shaped like an egg.
EGGPLANT!
It’s a place where we make fire.
FIREPLACE!
Diving in the sky.
SKYDIVING!Humans are creative.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
It’s been a horrible day. This morning my ex got ran over by a fed ex truck. Then I lost my job at fed ex.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
i got my shoelace completely entangled around the pedal of a stationary bike at the gym and had to ask a stranger to untangle me, which took a good solid 7 minutes. but sure put me down as your emergency contact
I went for a run but came back after 4 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot I’m out of shape and can’t run for more than 4 minutes!
Guys, I gotta run. I left the fire place video streaming.
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.