I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
You Might Also Like
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
I just think it’s rude that hockey players work so hard to cut up all that ice and then some big-head jerk on a big zebra machine or whatever comes and erases it.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
When I was a kid there was this mattress commercial where a lady jumps up and down on the mattress next to a glass of wine, to show that it wouldn’t spill. So I tested it on my bed with orange juice, and then my bed low-key smelled like citrus for 10 years. Carry on.
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
I used to have dreams.
Now I have Doritos.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
You can walk a mile in sweat pants and have no problem. As soon as you have bags of groceries in each hand they’re around your ankles.
How toddlers and cats are alike:
– they’re cutest when they’re asleep
– they will absolutely destroy your sofa
– they both eat out of the cat’s bowl
I think I have to give up cheese and my transformation to bitter old lady is complete