Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
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Got fired from my job at the asthma clinic for trying to hit on women by asking if their favorite 90s band was Weezer.
My dad.
<during sex>
Me: Can we pretend I didn’t just call you Uncle Joe?
Her: Not sure, it’s pretty disturbing.
Uncle Joe: It didn’t bother me.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
[inventing wedding dresses]
a massive skirt!
more skirt!
MORE
now, put a skirt over her face!
god ya that’s the stuff
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Kids often make sketchy claims that can be easily laughed off but once in awhile you find yourself doing things like checking to see whether “confuzzled” is actually a word.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
Why does the crematorium sound so delicious?
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
GOD: That’s the last of the animals. Now add warning colors to the poison ones
ANGEL: Will do
GOD: But not all of them, keep some surprises
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail