Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.
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Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Apparently “my brain hurts” isn’t a legit reason to leave work early
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.
You know who the real winner is today? The guy who sells “I voted” stickers.
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
Good news: I’m finally able to button my super skinny jeans.
Bad news: I’m not wearing them.
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination
Catapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects
Dogapult: an ancient military device for hurling large objects, fetching them, bringing them back, and hurling them again
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
Sure breakups are hard, but have you ever had to wait for your phone to stop ringing you so you can start using it again?