I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
So excited for the Apple Watch. For centuries, we’ve checked the time by
looking at our phones. Having it on your wrist? Genius. #AppleLive
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
[1st day working at appliance store]
CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?
ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
[petting stranger’s dog]
Me: what kind of dog is it?
Him: a hot dog please stop
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Summer vacation with my kids is just me asking, “Have you brushed your teeth today?”
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun