Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
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In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
really slow day at 911. im just calling random numbers and asking ‘you good???’
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
You can’t outrun your problems…
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
“HELP WITH CAT”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Dating app: If you were a bird, what kind of bird would you be?
Me: I’d be a subway pigeon or one of those crows that eats mostly garbage
my friend who moved to kentucky asked me what the average price of homes were in my area, so I told him about $850k & he said “that’s insane, do u know what u can buy for $850k in kentucky?” and I was like “probably kentucky”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
If my name was Dave I’d text my friends today saying “IT’S FRIDAVE! LET’S PARTY!”. They’d be sick of me by Tuesdave.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011