All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
You Might Also Like
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
judge: my god
divorce lawyer whispers to my wife: we got him
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
The heat has gotten so bad on the East Coast that it’s now routine to see large men wiping their brows with slightly smaller, drier men.
house sitting!
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*