[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
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Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
I just saw this advert and the lady said allergies cause you to avoid the things you love. That explains why I never get laid.
is this store having a stroke wtf
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Me: Did you do your laundry like I asked?
Child: No, there’s a huge spider near the washing machine.
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child: Can you-
Me [handing her $10]: Here’s some money for the laundromat.
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you