Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
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Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
i really liked this one
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Mandatory urine test tomorrow means asparagus for dinner tonight.
Two can play.
Lmao i opened a checking account in college and years later they needed to verify me and asked me a bunch of security questions that I got completely wrong. Turns out when I opened it I made every answer “shark week” so it would be easy to remember
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
fiancé: please take off my bra and my skirt
me: *seductively takes off her bra and her skirt*
fiancé: if i catch you wearing my stuff again, i swear to god i’m gonna murder you
my friend is guilting me for watching the funny ad youtube put before “how to do the heimlich maneuver” while he was choking
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
I can’t wait to find out who’s playing Donald Trump in the next season of American Horror Story
(Jupiter –
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off