Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
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Strange to think that exactly four years ago at the start of lockdown in the UK we all began stockpiling pasta, yeast and toilet paper. Those were some of the worst meals I’ve ever eaten.
Every store gives away free stuff you just have to play the game by out running the security guard
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Executioner: final words?
Executionee:Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious
Er: you done?
Ee: didn’t buy me as much time as I thought actually.
me: god made me weak because he feared what i could do
my wife’s boyfriend: it’s okay bud, you loosened the jar for me
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
gentlemen, we are gathered here today by my milkshake.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
OH NO I DROPPED MY THERAPY HOT DOG
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
My 4 yr old niece is on the hyper side so my brother-in-law was trying to teach her about behaving and said “little girls are made of sugar and spice and what else?” and in her best batman voice she replied, “BLOOD AND BONES.”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.