I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
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If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
The worst part of seeing my grandfather get run over while crossing the street is knowing that I have failed this driving exam
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
I always cry at weddings, but only because being that close to large cakes makes me so happy.
It’s not about retweets or followers, it’s about alienating your children so they learn to be independent and responsible
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
Love is blind but I’m keeping an eye open from now on for you eating all the cookie dough pieces out of my ice cream
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
9-year old: Dad smell this. You licked a puss.
Me: [mutes TV] what
9-year old: it’s so good. Smell it. You licked a puss.
Me: …
9-year old: [hands me a candle jar]
Me. It’s *eucalyptus*
My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
I wipe my counters with raw chicken breasts because I refuse to have weak children.
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, his eyes were closer together than that, like a concussed mouse. He had a Spanish skeleton.
I hate how early it gets dark now.
Alaska: LOL
“This movie is intended for 18+ viewers.” Bro, I don’t have 17 friends to watch this with.