Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
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[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
I’m thinking about giving that Call of Duty game a shot, but first I’m gonna try one last time to get past level 4 on Duck Hunt.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
My neighbour hit the post reversing out of the driveway. He hit the poor man delivering it too.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
Maternal instincts are incredible. For example, now that I’m a mom, I automatically start salivating if someone uncorks a bottle of wine within a half mile radius of my location.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized