Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
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who wants to go expliring
If Keanu Reeves was marooned on an island by a pirate captain with a loaded musket and a loaf of bread, he’d definitely shoot the bread.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
I AM A THREE THOUSAND YEAR OLD SHRUNKEN HEAD AND I DEMAND TO BE REHYDRATED.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
A roof is a house hat.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
[first date]
Her: I broke up with my last boyfriend because he was so intense, I felt smothered.
Me: [trying to impress]: I haven’t even bothered to learn your name.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Put your family down and pay attention to your phone.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
The male version of pamphlets are jimphlets, thank you for your time
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
wow
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
*Takes gift wrapping paper to the counter*
Her: Did you want to buy that?
Me: No, I just wanted to hold it for a while.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
I walk around my yard a lot and usually I’m singing softly to myself as I do, which looks like I’m talking to myself because I’m not even listening to music, which is probably why people cross the street before they pass by my house