*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
You Might Also Like
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I like to just appear out of nowhere and say, “this looks like a job for a binder clip.”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
Sorry honey, I didn’t get you anything for Valentine’s Day.
Wife: It’s not until next week…
[one week later]
Sorry honey, I didn’t…
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
here we see Penny the diving kitty mid-triple pike, let’s see if she lands this one Steve
Kids today’ll bang just about anywhere
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Breaking News: Scientists clone a new hybrid cantalope and cauliflower. “We call it the melon-cauli,” says Dr. Noah Lot of OMG I’m so sorry
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”