You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
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Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
The best ways to spell the name Sean: 1. Sean 2. Shawn 3. Shaun 4. Chone 5. Shnzzang 6. Beans! 7. Ulurion 8. Shon?
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
Our sport needs a name
“Does it use a ball?”
No it’s more of an oblon–
“Do u move it with ur foot?”
No it’s mostly thro–
“Football”
Perfect!
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
Bros before Ohioes
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
[seeing anyone after googling something you didn’t know five minutes ago]: hello you ignorant piece of shit
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
no
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
Where can I buy a purebred chupacabra on short notice?
Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger
Me, a realtor: Absolutely
Wife: And not a bounce house
Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
🍞🦆
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
My aunt said she was thankful for the best family in the world and I said “when are they coming?” and it MURDERED.
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.