This 4th of July, please remember…
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
My wife: That’s not the clothes I sent her to playschool in.
Me: But she’s the right kid?
Wife: Yes. But…
Me: Cool. I’m going to play Playstation.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
This chloroform smells expensiv…
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
My dog needs to circle 4 times before she lays down. When I see her start, I yell out random numbers trying to make her lose count.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Day 6 of April vacation: husband and I had this idea that if we get divorced and each marry someone willing to be an involved step-parent, we would have more time to hang out with each other.
I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I’m convinced the bulk of my Amazon recommendations derive from Alexa listening to me talking to myself in every room of my house. I don’t even care anymore. I mean, who are we kidding. Just send all the things, Amazon. You have my credit card and know where I live
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
i kinda love job interviews solely because i’m the most delusional person of all time and they make me feel like i’m on a talk show
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
Yes officer, the person who robbed me was a woman 25-30, at least 5’9, a brunette and definitely single. Can you arrange a line up please