a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
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Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
doc: “your dad’s been in a coma for 9 days, we’re running out of ideas”
me: “let me try” [goes to adjust thermostat]
dad: [opens one eye]
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
can’t wait til they legalize outside
A lady at the store was returning a dozen donuts. I’ve never been so confused. What kind of monster does that?
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[trying to sneak a water bottle through security]
TSA agent: Good evening sir
Me: Nothing
The opposite of Lorelai is Loretellsthetruth,
If it wasn’t for doing triple jump in high school, I wouldn’t be able to put on jeans.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
[business meeting at restaurant]
“There’s more than one way to skin a cat”
[Family of cats at next table]
*mom cat puts paw on cat dad’s arm
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind