Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
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I wouldn’t usually disagree with Gordon Ramsay but i was watching him judge this carrot cake & I think the contestant was perhaps correct
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Cooking oats with oat milk always feels like cannibalism and I’m not even an oat
#inspiration #foodforthought
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
German be like, __________ is the word for a cat that is chewing on a flower in a pot that was watered last Tuesday.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
How come it’s called “thrift store shopping” instead of Goodwill hunting?
Cosmetology school was a real letdown. Anyone wanna buy a spacesuit?
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Is age 14 too old to leave your kid on a doorstep?
Good morning to everyone except the sentient computer who locked me out of the space station
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
The Scream movies were believable in the 90’s but c’mon, no one with any common sense answers unknown numbers on their phones anymore
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.