*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
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Has anyone else noticed that since the invention of the smart phone, bathroom stall graffiti was moved to Twitter?
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
It’s uncool to be religious. It’s uncool to be atheist. If someone asks what you believe in just say Beyoncé. It’s the only way to be safe.
friend: how’s the new job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
Bend over and take it like a taxpayer.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: I’m not psychic, Craig
cop: my name is Greg
me: I work at Starbucks
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”