[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
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“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
I love meeting new people. Not you. Don’t touch me.
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
[wife drops me at the airport]
Wife: have a safe flight
Me: I have no say in the matter
Wife [already driving off]: die then
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
“Oh babe. All of that is for me?”
-Me, to my laundry basket.
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Bought a pair of Converse shoes months ago and they haven’t said a single word to one another.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account