Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
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just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
When someone is talking on their cell phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly to shame them.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
Dear plastic wrap,
I wish you’d cling to something other than yourself.
– me
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Please do not throw cigarette butts into the urinals, as it makes them soggy and very hard to light
-Bathroom graffiti
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.