If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
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Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
A large part of parenting is pretending you don’t smell anything weird
The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Dear 6-year-old me: As an adult you won’t need to know cursive but you will need an ability to type with your thumbs. The future is weird.
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just climbed out my passenger side door because there was a wasp on my window.
I wish I had the confidence of the people strategizing their lottery numbers for five minutes in front of me in line at the gas station.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Get in, octopus. We’re gonna open jars and do some taxes.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
imagine my surprise when i learned the word “briefly” does not, in fact, mean “underwearly”
Be thankful for Twitter. The way gas prices are headed, we’re never going to meet real people ever again.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Sometimes you don’t realize how much you say “ooh la la” till they play your 911 call on the local news
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.