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Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.
accountant: do you have any dependents?
me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
*wife comes home*
“Did you fix the toilet?”
Yep!
[she opens door & is hit by avalanche of plums]
“You called the plummer again you idiot!!!”
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
My boss has stopped letting me leave early for my son’s Little League games ever since he learned he’s in his second year of college.
Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…
except when it rains.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
So creative 😂
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
I walked a girl home last night, and things got a little awkward at one point.
She turned around and found out I was walking her home.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
[shapes strands of hair from the drain to form a love letter on the shower wall]
stop slamming the toilet seat in the middle of the night or I will murder you
Honey is one of my favorite kinds of animal vomits to eat.
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
If you never include your body in your selfies, I am forced to assume that you don’t have one.
Carry on floating head selfie chick.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.